Rydia Presents: Charlie's Ultimate Dissidia 012 !
by robotwarui
Summary: Motor-mouth smarty-pants self-proclaimed Ambassador Rydia tells a story to baby Ceodore.   Rosa is not amused. Two stories in one!  RE-EDITED / NEW CHAPTERS
1. Rydia forgets who she's talking to

A/N: Skip this chapter if you have the same attention span as baby Ceodore. It's not important. It's just Rydia rambling on and not getting to the good part. Don't worry, next chapter she'll get what's coming to her. Heh.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 1: <strong>Rydia forgets who she's talking to…

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><p>Hi there! It's me, Rydia. Do you want me to tell you a story? …? Too bad. I'm going to tell you the popular new story called Charlie's Ultimate Dissidia 012.<p>

Charlie is a fictional character in a story about a fictional world called Earth. Yes, it's the same name as our planet, but we're also known as "The Blue Planet." The story of this alternate world was written by an unknown bard in Damcyan. He's created a collection of novels and lore books and a few top-40 musical hits for the Charlie series.

The Charlie character has a lot of fanboys and fangirls all over the world, so it's no surprise that some kid from Mysidia has written a fan-fic crossover of Charlie and Dissidia. By the way, all of the above is public domain because we don't have a concept of "intellectual property." Not while I'm still Ambassador, anyway. Shhh! I have would-be celebrity heroes and a global economy to protect.

And remember, Dissidia is fiction too. It is not canon to our reality, nor the reality of any other planet in the universe for that matter. The heroes are real, the stories are fake.

You could say that we live in a time where history is being written about the heroes who saved the world. Sure, some day in the far future we heroes might be reduced down to just myths.

But let's be clear. Dissidia is not history in the making. It's more like fantasy football, or celebrity smack-down. Also it is not myth. It's just too soon for that. Like 4000 years too soon if you ask me. Granted, Dissidia may mistakenly skew the history books in the future and eventually create or influence myth.

Anyhoo. I talk too much. Ceodore, you're only like, one year old; I totally didn't need to give you all this exposition. You just wanna hear about the swords and magic, don't you? Okay, but remember, this isn't a straight-up story. It's like a story within a story, or like an outer-worldly perspective on an already fictional story. You following me?

Shit! I'm doing it again!

"Waaaaahhh!"


	2. Rydia, Interrupted: Reality Check!

**CHAPTER 2: **Rydia, Interrupted: Reality Check

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><p>"Waaaaahhh!"<p>

High heels make their presence known in the large castle.

CLACK echo CLACK echo BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!

"What the frack, Rydia, ("Waaaaahhh!") what did you do to upset my baby?"

"I'm sorry Rosa."

"That's _Queen_ Rosa, bitch! ("Waaaaahhh!") I hired you to watch my baby while I get my nails done in the next room, and now I can't trust you to even do that!"

"You were just in the next room? Waitaminnit… you _hired_ me to watch Ceodore?"

"Yeah, what's the subterranean service rate now? 50 gil an hour? Minus 10% for the 'Wah'…"

"The _Underground_ rates are 80 Dwarven, 110 Summoned Monster. But I am neither. And I won't take your money. We're supposed to be friends."

"You've been living underground for the past two years, what am I supposed to think?"

"You're supposed to know that I've been working very hard to establish commerce between the underground and the above-ground nations. Haven't you noticed? The Kingdom of Baron, among others, is flourishing because of that. I happen to know that at least 50% of your work force in this castle are Underground workers, and I made sure they are all paid very well."

"Then why don't I see any dwarves or monsters here?"

"Because they're hidden; they work out-of-sight jobs or the midnight shift. For example, your royal cooks might be dwarves, but your servers are human. This structure ensures that both above-ground and underground can still maintain their respective cultures and ways of life, but now the Underground is getting some long-needed economic stimulus."

"No wonder the food has a, uh… rustic earthiness to it. But yeah, that makes sense."

"Sure, you get the idea… and the headmistress may be a monster, while the mistresses are human."

"I guess that makes sense too…"

"Oh, actually, one of the Dwarven chamber maids was promoted to mistress by the King himself. You might actually see her. Now there are four mistresses total."

"Oh, my Cecil, so compassionate."

"Pfft. Hardly. Do you even know what a mistress's job is?"

"Yeah, they sit around the castle and look pretty for the Royal visitors."

"Oh gawd, how do I break it to you?"

"What?"

"Rosa, when was the last time you and Cecil were… together?"

"Hmm, about six months before Ceodore was born."

"A year and a half, huh…"

"Goodness, you make that sound like a bad thing… It's actually been a relief. After the first trimester I was too bloated and fatigued to do anything. And after Ceodore was born, I've spent most of my time and energy with him."

"A year and a half of comfortable ignorance… What about Cecil? Don't you think he still has needs?"

"Well, sure… but he seems happy anyway. He still gets that twinkle in his eye, that bounce in his step…"

"That's because of the mistresses. They are now fulfilling his needs."

"What?"

"That's their job, that's what they're here for."

"No…"

"That is one of the privileges, or perks, of being king. That's what kings do. They bed their queen until they have a male heir. After that, the mistresses are all fair game."

"I remember, before Ceodore was born, Cecil had a dream… FuSoYa and Golbez came to him and told him that I was carrying a boy and that he would one day rule Baron like his father. Cecil was very happy when he told me. I mean, wicked-smile happy. I guess… it wasn't just for one reason, huh?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for me. I'll just pass it forward to you! What about King Edge? Don't you still have the hots for him? He's a king too. How does that make you feel? And as for Cecil, I can play that game too!"

"Edge has not yet taken a queen. He's still working on reorganizing and rebuilding Eblan to become a peaceful nation. I'm soooo proud of him (sniff)"

"Wipe that smile off your face, bitch. It's not like he's waiting for you, while you're bouncing all over the world. He's going to marry General Amanda Shinobu in one week. Who, by the way, lost all but her title after your stupid demilitarization treaty."

"Edge? No, it can't be..."

"It's all your fault, you know."

"Why didn't he say anything? I don't even have an invitation, not personally, not as Ambassador..."

"Maybe 'cause his fleet of Ninjas are bored and angry. An evil she-demon has possessed their master, after all. Eblan does not like you."

"By the way, it's not demilitarization, it's called Military Re-Purposing for Peace, and the General should be thankful; she now has greater responsibilities. And the Ninjas are building houses and learning social skills."

"And the King is moving on."

"...Not on my watch! I'm going to crash that party! King Edge won't make another move before I'm through with him! You're the witness to my determination! Ya hear me?"

"Sure."

"I, defacto Ambassador Rydia of Mist, stepdaughter of Leviathan and Asura, Hero of the Lunarian War, soon to be Queen of Eblan, will never be defeated!"

"Hah! Queen? For real? After all that matter-of-fact talk about mistresses? I thought you were in love."

"Oh, you know I'll fix that barbaric tradition."

"You really are a power-hungry bitch. Are you sure you're in love? Either way, you're dangerous! You go girl! Gods help anyone who crosses your path."

"Thanks, I take that as your Royal blessing."

"Yeah, whatever. Can you watch Ceodore another hour, I'm going to go re-purpose the Air Force trainees."

"As you wish, Queen Rosa."

CLACK CLACK clack clack


	3. Once Upon a Time

**CHAPTER 3:** Once Upon a Time

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><p>"Oh, Ceodore. You were awake the whole time. Your mommy's gonna be all right. She'll be back in a little while, she has some official Queen business to take care of.<p>

"Ready for the swords and magic? All right! Here goes."

Once upon a time, in the Milky Way galaxy, there was an M-class planet called Earth. Very much like our own planet. There was a young man named Charlie who loved sci-fi stories. But the sci-fi writers of the world were running out of ideas. Charlie was a gazillionaire, so he commissioned mad scientist astronomers to build bigger telescopes and look for M-class planets in the Final Fantasy galaxy, so they could get fresh new material from 'alien' worlds.

Compared to Charlie's world, the people on these planets had superhuman abilities, including magic! The intergalactic stalkers, a.k.a. astronomers, followed the lives of the heroes of these planets, and created, dare I say, ripped off, the Final Fantasy series. It was a big hit.

Eventually, around the time of the legendary Lightning and Sahz, the newer adventures of the heroes had become lame and boring to both galaxies, so it was time to mix things up. That's when Gabranth of Planet Ivalice created the story of Dissidia. Once word reached Planet Gaia, the Shin-Ra company made it into a video game.

Astronomers from the Final Fantasy galaxy by then had also realized they were being spied on. In an attempt to tell the Milky Way galaxy that they're just a bunch of hicks who would rather see a cockfight than read an epic sci-fi novel, Shin-Ra made sure the Dissidia video game was jam-packed with irrelevant battles, bone-crunching sound effects, and witty one-liners.

Of course, as if on cue, the copycats pounced.

Charlie, now very pleased with his scientists, and proud of his accomplishments for the sci-fi community, takes a well-deserved relaxing stretch in his easy chair and starts to play the new PSP video game Dissidia.

"What the hell!"

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><p>AN: Not-so-suprising factoid: This is a gift fic for my baby brother Charlie who is only 26.


	4. And then came Dissidia

**CHAPTER 4:** And then came Dissidia

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><p>"What the hell!"<p>

"Cecil and no Kain? Terra and no Sabin? Gabranth and no Vaan? I love that whiny little twerp. Who wrote this abomination? Where are my heroes?"

A few years later…

"It's about time for a sequel! As if it was hard to improve on something half-assed. Lessee… new characters…"

Kain, awesome.  
>Gilgamesh, whatever.<br>Tifa, hubba hubba!  
>Aeris, what, as a zombie?<br>Laguna, yawn.  
>Yuna, oh yeah! (ala Zack Fair)<br>Prishe, who dat?  
>Vaan, I missed you little buddy!<br>Lightning, you suck!

"Okay, so it's a mixed bag. Why do I wait around for other people to finally get things right? Other people from other freakin' galaxies mind you? I will dream up a new Dissidia!" Charlie proceeds to yell as loud as he can. "You hear that Final Fantasy? I will make Dissidia totally bad-ass awesome!"

His voice never makes it past the earth's atmosphere, let alone the Milky Way. Yet strangely enough, across the universe, someone feels a disturbance in the force.

"We're doomed."


	5. Techno Threat

**CHAPTER 5:** Techno Threat

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><p>In another galaxy "far, far away…"<p>

Luke Skywalker the XLVII, Jedi trainee and owner of a moveable-type printing press, is in a meeting with one of his spunky journalists.

"No! That's IMPOSSIBLE!"

"But the technology has been around for over a thousand years! We need a computer. We spend so much time on manual labor, by the time we're hot off the press, it's last week's news."

"That technology belongs to the Empire, it always has. I will not sell out to the Dark Side."

"Fine, the news on this planet is never too urgent anyway, but listen to _this_…"

The journalist's eyes dart both ways before carefully whispering the big news to his boss.

"That's IMPOSSIBLE!"

If only that were true. That is, if only it were true that it was impossible. But it is possible, according to the imaginative unknown Mysidian author of this increasingly stupid, _stupid_ story. And yet we haven't even been told what this doomed near-impossibility is...

It's Charlie's Ultimate Dissidia 012, and it's a threat to the entire universe!

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><p>AN: This little bit with Luke will prove unrequited, but writing this thing has been almost entirely flow-of-consciousness, and I needed a bridge to the next chapter. Also the re-mentioning of the kid author gives me an excuse for the rediculous chapters that follow...


	6. A Dangerous Game

**CHAPTER 6:** A Dangerous Game

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><p>It's Charlie's Ultimate Dissidia 012, and it's a threat to the entire universe!<p>

What, why, how, you say?

Let me explain.

Its programming is destructive. You see, Charlie really wanted Sabin to be in the game. And for Sabin to be the strongest. And unstoppable. And immovable. And infallible. And have long, glorified, anime-style special battle skill sequences.

His Sabin is so bad-ass, he gives Chuck Norris a run for his money.

His Sabin is so bad-ass, all the good guys and bad guys have to team up against him just to even maintain the appearance of false hope for one round.

His Sabin is so bad-ass, he is the "invisible wall" in front of all the awesomest playable areas.

His Sabin is so bad-ass, with each level-up, his power follows a parabola that approaches infinity but never intersects with x=60, therefore technically having infinity power at level 60.

Anyhoo, if you play Sabin and do everything perfect and do the secret dance and reach the final battle, it will be against Sabin. Of course, since Sabin cannot be defeated, the battle will never end. Never mind that, 'cause when his unstoppable rush meets his immovable stance, it creates a paradox that the PSP starts to calculate its way through, eating up RAM. Meanwhile, when that final battle grants Sabin the rage in his heart to attain level 60, the PSP dutifully follows the power parabola towards infinity and starts to overload.

Here's where this gets serious. Or ridiculous. No, it's already ridiculous. Seriously ridiculous.

Soon enough the PSP would explode from overload and release Sabin's digital spirit into the room. Since Dissidia's Sabin was perfect and then some, the game held enough data and energy as a human brain and body, and because his abilities increase exponentially, digital Sabin would start approaching infinity with time and a finite body can only hold so much energy, so the Sabins would mutiply to contain it all but they don't multiply fast enough, so eventually the Sabins run free, everything explodes, and it spreads throughout the room, the building, the vicinity, the continent, the planet, the solar system, the galaxy, and finally goes intergalactic.

Then again, what's the likelihood that a gamer would pull it off in the first place?


	7. Beautiful Heroes

**CHAPTER 7:** Beautiful Heroes

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><p>As if there's no such thing as a perfectionist gamer.<p>

The first PSP explosion does happen. A few days later, another. Sabin's energy is multiplying and starting to destroy stuff. The damages must be contained and the source must be stopped. Charlie's mad scientists inform him of the crisis and are begging Charlie to stop further production and have the video game recalled. Charlie refuses.

"No way! I finally get to play the perfect game, the way I want it, and not be disappointed. And I love Sabin! He is awesome!"

That gives Dr. Scientist an idea.

He develops intergalactic space travel and warp drive within a week, and then rockets Sabin over to personally speak to Charlie.

Dr. Scientist escorts Sabin out of the pod and into a building where they head down an echo-y hall and into a small room that resembles an interrogation room.

Sabin really does look awesome and majestic. Big biceps, triceps, deltoids, pecs, and glutes. A little bit of muted sparkle tumbles downward in the air around where he stands (just like Healen Lodge in Advent Children).

Charlie opens his eyes to the unbelievable sight before him. His lower lip starts to tremble. Tears well up. All the sensations in his body instantly migrate to his heart and together perform a backwards heave, if there is such a thing.

The inner assault on his being is met with a desperate fight to produce words for his beautiful hero.

"You came. Even though you're about to break. That's a good sign. So, why'd you come?"

Dr. Scientist and Sabin exchange confused looks, hoping one or the other knows what Charlie is talking about. Then the scientist scribbles some words on a notepad, hands it to Sabin, and signals him to just play along with it.

Sabin looks up at the ceiling and lets out a sharp exhale. "I think… I want to be forgiven. Yeah. More than anything."

"By whom?"

"Oh come on! This is ridiculous. Wasn't I supposed to get him to recall the game and stop the insanity?"

Dr. Scientist cuts off Sabin's ranting. "Wait, wait, this is good now… don't you see? He wants you to forgive yourself."

"What!"

"You _are_ responsible for this crisis, ne? You're pretty lucky he's so wise and compassionate and wants to handle this peacefully. If I were CEO I'd lose it. I'd have you beaten to a pulp, thrown in jail, and the universe would _still_ be doomed by your explosive digital likenesses."

"Hey, hey, now, no- what are you guys thinking? It's the other way around. You and Charlie and all of Charlie Corp. did this. Those are _your_ exploding creations out there."

"You're right…" Charlie wistfully looks upward with a peace and calm about him.

"It's only a matter of time before digi!Sabin consumes all the energy in the universe. That's why I'm going to protect it. Only a survivor of the Cetra, like me, can do it."

Charlie turns and walks a distance toward the door. He turns back to face Sabin. "The secret is just up here." He shakes his head. "At least it should be. ...I feel it. It feels like I'm being led by something." He cocks his head to one side and waves, cutely, femininely, childishly, to Sabin. "Then, I'll be going now. I'll come back when it's all over."

"He's possessed!" Dr. Scientist remarks.

"He's possessed?"

"He's possessed by the ghost of Aerith Gainsborough! That's straight from the original script! She saved Gaia and now she's going to help us save the Universe! Hoo hoo!"

"Do you mean that pink-dress chick from Dissidia 12? That's just a fictional story."

"Duh, dumbass. I'm talking about Final Fantasy 7, a _true_ story from planet Gaia."

"Final Fantasy? Sounds like the title of a soap opera or a porno."

"You _live_ in the Final Fantasy galaxy, you nitwit! Heh… I'll bet you've read the new magazine called _The Milky Way Letters_."

"What of it? …I mean NO! No, I haven't…"

"It comes from the Milky Way galaxy. The one I live in. Don't tell me you don't like all those nekkid girly photos."

"Hmph!"

"Our galaxies have been exchanging stories and information for many years now. Only Planet Gaia has intergalactic technology in your galaxy, and provides for the rest of the planets. Your planet just enjoys the benefits. And it's all for entertainment purposes, or, 'for cultural enrichment,' as Charlie Corp. puts it."

"And look how that all worked out. Let Charlie-slash-Aerith take care of the problem. I'm outta here."

"Sorry, but you're still not off the hook. Miss Gainsborough is going to save the universe from the current threat, but unless you can get Charlie to recall the game, the exponentially expanding explosions will start again and it will be all for naught!"

A polite _knock knock knock_ summons their attention...

"Who is it?"

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><p>AN: Currently I do not have another chapter in the works. It's writers' block. What should happen next? How should it end? Charlie wants Sabin, Dr. Scientist, Chuck Norris, and himself high-fiving and ascending into heaven. How would I reach that point from where I left off? I don't even like that ending. Sorry, Charlie, but I'm opening this up to suggestions.


End file.
